May 7, 2014

This is a very random post, but it's what is in my head tonight! Just go with it. :)  I woke up at 4:30 this morning to travel out to my store and get the order today.  Every time I start heading that way I'm flooded with emotions. I lived there for 28 years, most of my memories, childhood friends, and foundation of who I am are there.  The first emotion that comes is always anger.  I am so angry at Mike (my ex-husband) for making the choices that were part of what led us to what we are.  I'm so mad that he didn't appreciate the wonderful, loving woman I was and strived to be.  Those emotions always try to take over and take me to a dark unsure place, so I have to bring myself back.  As I look in my rear view mirror I see 5 perfect little faces, all unique in their own way. Avery has grown into this little man over the last few month and is always quick to help, I think he senses that he is now the man of the house.  Braxton has a mischievous little smirk almost 24/7, but is one of the most loving little boys I've ever met.  Dalyn has tested my patience, but usually knows when he has taken it too far and quickly butters me up.  MaCee truly is a ball of love, and tells me daily, "Mom you're gorgeous!"  Maddox is our little comedian, and thinks he can keep up with the big boys.  Without those 5 faces I wouldn't be who I am today, without all of the bad and good there wouldn't be the Heather that there is. Next I direct my emotions to gratitude.  At some point I hope to write Mike a letter, there are so many things I would love to thank him for.  Part of me realizing that I couldn't do it anymore was him teaching me what I didn't want, that is a little bit of an off handed compliment, but I truly do thank him for it now.  We were young when we married, we just changed.  It's not really his fault or my fault, it's the way of the world.  People either fix it, deal, or leave, I chose the later.  The last emotion that comes and almost overwhelms me is excitement.  I am not in a hurry by any means, but I'm excited and know that there is love in my future.  I know what matters to me, and I am not willing to settle for anything less.  I know that after I become okay with myself that will ripple out into my world, and someone is going to see the girl I am and love that girl.  I don't think I will have a flawless love, but I think I will have my perfect love.  I have plans and goals, nothing big... I just want to change the world! :)