My Dad...

Two years ago I received the heart breaking news that my daddy had passed away.  I was out in the "Big City" with my cute little family, enjoying a weekend of fun. I texted my dad this picture...

 

His response was LOL.  That was the last response I would ever receive from my dad.  Half an hour later my grandmother called and said that he had been in a horrible accident, and I needed to call the hospital.  After 45 minutes of trying to figure out if I needed to make the 2 hour drive to where he was, or if the would be sending him to Salt Lake, I finally got the nurse to tell me.  I remember him saying, "are you alone."  I collapsed on my moms driveway.  My dad was not a perfect man, but he was the perfect dad for me.  The next few days, and months are a blur.  I only have one memory of that time.  I was in the shower sobbing and pleading that I could have my dad back.  I remember thinking, this is going to kill me.  I had struggled with depression in the past.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to survive this.  I had such a peaceful feeling, and heard my dad's voice.  I don't remember exactly what I heard, but he comforted me, and told me that he would always be with me.  When I felt called to adopt a second time, my dad was the person that supported me.  He said, "I don't know anyone that could love another child more than you sweetheart."  When I wanted to play club volleyball in High School, and it was a 2 hour drive each way, twice a week for practices, he committed to making sure I would make it to practice.  That man had a hard shell, but he would have done, or given anything for his children.  I am a day late on this post, but all of yesterday and this morning I have thought about all of the wonderful men I have had in my life.  All of the examples of what a father should be.  I wanted to make sure that I took the time to thank all of them.  The weight of being a father is one that does not go unnoticed, but sometimes is taken for granted.  Thank you to all of the amazing father out there!!!

Bring Me Back

I'm a very forward moving, busy person.  I get stressed out easily, but very quickly can talk myself down.  Today started with loading 5 little ones in the car at 7:30 to get my older 4 to "Family School"  which most of you know as Home School.    As soon as I walked back in the door I dove into my stack of paperwork.  I immediately start rattling off in my head the bazillion things I need to get done.  Very quickly I had myself in a mess of stress!  Early afternoon I ran to pick the kids up, and a bunch of other errands.  On the way home the kids asked if we could play at the park tonight, I started to say no.  I stopped myself, and told them of course we could.  These little people ground me.  They help me remember that all of that other stuff gets done, and that these days are going to be gone so fast.  So we played, we played for a couple of hours.  Everything else didn't matter, in fact we had so much fun we almost went back to the park again later tonight.  Tomorrow my littles go with their daddy.  I cry every time on the way back to my house.  I cry for them, that their little worlds are crumbling.  Their new life isn't what I would have ever chosen for them, and at the same time I know in their new life they will be able to see true love.  I'm so blessed to have them to ground me, and bring me back. They finally get to have the mom that I have always wanted to be!!

The Perfect ME

In our world today, many are striving for perfection, and in many ways we believe it is attainable.  For instance our bodies.  If we can afford the price, most things about our bodies can be fixed.  The problem that I see with all of this is we are taking our uniqueness away.  If every girl on the block has had a boob job and lipo, then what separates us from each other.  To be able to see all of the beauty in our world and truly appreciate it, we need to begin by seeing the beauty in our flawed selves.  We all have our little quirks, whether it;s biting our nails or anorexia.  These things consume our lives, and we constantly beat ourselves up about them.  What if for one day we only thought positive things about ourselves, and only complimented our bodies, even on the things that normally bother us.  Can  you imagine how proudly we would carry ourselves if we could just see the beauty in us.  To have our world function we need people that do every task.  So what if your neighbor is the perfect little wife and mother,  she doesn't have the career that you have and affect people in the way that you do.  What if everyday each of us vowed to wake up and put our best foot forward in all things.  I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am who I am.  I am a girl who married far too young and changed.  I am a woman who thought that being a mother could fix everything, and it didn't.  I am now a person who has chosen to go out into the world everyday with a smile.  I hug my babies a little tighter every chance I get.  I make sure the people who are important to me know that, even if it's in a crazy cheesy text.  I allow myself time to love myself, and I don't feel guilty about it.  I surrender to the fact that I'm human, and that I'm not really the best at most things, but I am most definitely the perfect ME!!!

Can't Take My Eyes Off You

This song is one of my favorite songs of all time.  I am totally a swoon me kinda girl.  This post isn't about the swooning part of this song, but just for the record if you are one of my readers and end up dating me, just play this song for me! :) 

                                                
                                                "I know that the bridges that I've burned

Along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars
That won't go away
And opening up has always been the hardest thing
Until you came."

This is what I've been thinking about all day... And what I've come up with is I'm still pretty freaking awesome. Haha  Let me tell you how I came to that conclusion.  When I tell most people the story of my life, they are amazed that someone has been through so much and still has such a positive attitude.  In fact last week I got the frustrating news that I wouldn't be getting the house that I had already put about 7,000 dollars into.  I told my Realtor, "it's okay, I think this is better, I'm just gonna call this my good Samaritan act for the year."  Later she texted me and said, "I think you are the most positive, forward moving person I have ever met."  What I am getting at with that is, anything that I've ever been through, all of it had a purpose, a reason.  Every bit of it built me to be the woman that I am, and I think that woman is kicking life's ass! In the last 8 months, I have had some of the loneliest moments of my life.  In the last 2 weeks, I have had some of the most confident and full moments.  I wake up each morning in my new life, so happy that I get to have the opportunity to start over.  I get to make this whatever I want it to be, and if someone wants to join me I get to say yes or no.  It's crazy that one person can affect you that much, my relationship consumed the bright ray of light that I was.  Now that girl gets to come out and play again, that girl walks around the grocery store smiling at every person (even the ones that hurry and look away like I'm a psycho!)  All of me is sooo much for most people, but all of me is perfect to me.  I think my walls and scars are amazing, and any person who gets the opportunity to attempt breaking them down would be one lucky guy.  I know that any person that has the chance to be around my little crew will be changed forever, I am raising little world changers.  It's not because of anything I'm doing, it's because they are just that great! Every time I think about my future with these 5 little people, I just smile...  There are marvelous things to come, I just know it!

That Girl

I was raised in a Catholic family,  married into a LDS family, and now practice kindness and love of all people.  From day one I fit the part, the small town girl who cooked and cleaned and made the perfect wife.  I was so eager to make him smile, and be his everything.  I was often hurt and frustrated when he wouldn't acknowledge things that were important to me, or buy me a gift for my birthday. I engulfed myself in being a mom.  I loved being a mom, if I was a good mom, and had my kids everything would be okay.  Our hearts were never in the same place.  At a young age I was very career driven and money hungry, but as we added each child into our life I began realizing that money wouldn't make our "happy."  He tasted the power and feeling of having money and ran with it, it consumed him.  Family events dropped drastically on his list of priorities, and our relationship began to suffer.  Although it didn't feel right, I continued to stand behind him for 8 years, I rarely questioned.  At that point I lost my father in a tragic accident, and received inheritance.  In the eyes of everyone who knew us, our life was falling into place.  We sold our home and began building our dream home.  We took over the business my father had ran for 13 years.  We were the beautiful couple, with the perfect little children.  Those are some of the words that changed my point of view.  Every person who knew us as a couple is shocked to hear of our parting.  People can't believe that we could possibly have problems.  As I interact with people now I hope to help them feel comfortable and know they don't have to be strong, it's okay to be defeated and vent.  When I finally realized that it had to be done, and began picking up the pieces of my broken heart, I knew that I had given what I could.  I admitted to mistakes that I had made, but I patted myself on the back for the fight that I had fought.  That eager girl is gone.  A compassionate, but cautious girl replaced her.  I know there is someone out there that will deserve to earn that eager girl, but he is going to have to work for it.  The girl that suppressed her happiness thinking she was helping her children has faded.  A girl who wants to raise wholesome people took her place,  I want my sons to see a man respect their mother.  I want my Sweet Pea to know what she is looking for when she sees a man look upon her mother with love and adoration.  That beautiful blond that bounced around like a little ball of energy has turned into a woman who carries herself with pride and confidence knowing that she is worth the best.

May 7, 2014

This is a very random post, but it's what is in my head tonight! Just go with it. :)  I woke up at 4:30 this morning to travel out to my store and get the order today.  Every time I start heading that way I'm flooded with emotions. I lived there for 28 years, most of my memories, childhood friends, and foundation of who I am are there.  The first emotion that comes is always anger.  I am so angry at Mike (my ex-husband) for making the choices that were part of what led us to what we are.  I'm so mad that he didn't appreciate the wonderful, loving woman I was and strived to be.  Those emotions always try to take over and take me to a dark unsure place, so I have to bring myself back.  As I look in my rear view mirror I see 5 perfect little faces, all unique in their own way. Avery has grown into this little man over the last few month and is always quick to help, I think he senses that he is now the man of the house.  Braxton has a mischievous little smirk almost 24/7, but is one of the most loving little boys I've ever met.  Dalyn has tested my patience, but usually knows when he has taken it too far and quickly butters me up.  MaCee truly is a ball of love, and tells me daily, "Mom you're gorgeous!"  Maddox is our little comedian, and thinks he can keep up with the big boys.  Without those 5 faces I wouldn't be who I am today, without all of the bad and good there wouldn't be the Heather that there is. Next I direct my emotions to gratitude.  At some point I hope to write Mike a letter, there are so many things I would love to thank him for.  Part of me realizing that I couldn't do it anymore was him teaching me what I didn't want, that is a little bit of an off handed compliment, but I truly do thank him for it now.  We were young when we married, we just changed.  It's not really his fault or my fault, it's the way of the world.  People either fix it, deal, or leave, I chose the later.  The last emotion that comes and almost overwhelms me is excitement.  I am not in a hurry by any means, but I'm excited and know that there is love in my future.  I know what matters to me, and I am not willing to settle for anything less.  I know that after I become okay with myself that will ripple out into my world, and someone is going to see the girl I am and love that girl.  I don't think I will have a flawless love, but I think I will have my perfect love.  I have plans and goals, nothing big... I just want to change the world! :)

Late Night Snuggles!

This little darling makes my heart sing! She is a ball of love, and all things good in this world. I wish I could share her with all of you... But I think I'll just keep all of these snuggles to myself! Happy Wednesday!!!

Owning Our Story

This is a follow up to the last post, so if you haven't read it yet, do! In Brene's book The Gifts of Imperfection she says, "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."  What is owning your story.  I am very receptive to ideas, and concepts.  I will argue points, but am I am fairly easy going, and can be swooned quickly. I thought owning my story was to make sure that every person knew every detail of  my situation.  Now don't get ahead of yourself, I didn't run out and tell everyone, or post it on facebook. I began thinking of certain people that I was going to have to tell, and what their reaction would be.  It horrified me!  I started having anxiety and panic attacks.  I avoided going in public in fear that I would see someone who may have heard something was going on.  If this is you, calm down, it's okay.  Owning your story isn't running and posting it on facebook, or tweeting about it.  Every person that you interact with has energy, and things going on in their life.  All of them will send energies your way, positive or negative.  Send that energy back, if it's not meant to be yours, send it back.  On that same note, not everyone of those people deserves to know your story.  In fact, some of them are not worthy of knowing your story.  The amazing and wonderful thing about that is you get to decide!

Owning, Loving, Brave..

I just finished reading the book The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown.  So many parts of this book jumped out at me, and fit my situation.  You will see many quotes used on my blog from her book.  It calmed my heart.  This book helped me realize that no matter what, as long as I was okay with the path, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.  In the beginning of the end of my marriage it was small things, after 10 years these small things had turned into boulders that I couldn't get over.  In the end those boulders seemed like pebbles compared to the things we were dealing with.

This was the first thing I came across in Brene's book that forever changed me.  I had made huge mistakes in the last few months of my marriage, but those mistakes were also a part of what had made me decide the marriage was over, so I owned them.  Loving myself through it all; let me give you a little back story on me.  I have this crazy idea in my head that I'm here to change the world.  It may be on a small scale, but I'm a strong believer that as humans we are like pebbles being thrown into a stream.  Each an everyone of us is sending ripples out into the world.  I try to focus very hard on making my ripples positive, world changing ripples!  As I looked back on the last few months, I was disappointed, and sad at the choices that I had made.  In the end, they had negatively affected the marriage.  I could meddle in those feelings, or I could realize that I had made mistakes, and love myself anyway.  I believe in a loving and forgiving Lord, and I think he knows what a pure and kind heart I have.  I choose to move forward and love myself, I choose to not let those mistakes define the person that I am or the person I will grow to be.  Once I realized that if I was okay with what my story was, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.  People could talk behind my back, some stopped talking to me all together, it didn't matter anymore.  I was a beautiful, strong, brave woman. Strong enough that I was willing to take the scary leap, and go out into the world with just me and my +5.

"You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you ARE WORTHY of love and belonging!"

Brene Brown

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

My heart was so broken knowing that my marriage was falling apart.  I felt like I had done everything to save it, and he had just watched it fade.  I would find myself curled up in a ball sobbing in emotional pain from what I felt was abuse.  In the past 2 years I had lost multiple people close to me; my father to a heart attack, one of my best friends and aunt to suicide, and 5 other family members.  I felt broken and defeated every single day and night.  I didn't know where to turn or what was the right answer.  During this time I stumbled upon one of my favorite prayers, it changed my thinking. It helped me realize that the only persons actions that I was responsible for, were my own.  Everyone around me; my best friends, my in laws, anyone who I thought cared about me could walk away at any point. I needed to be happy being me, and if me wasn't staying married to the person I thought I'd spend my life with, then that was okay.  Everyday in my Yoga class during savasana I repeat "The wisdom to know the difference."  For me it is the wisdom to know when to walk away, when I'm being used or taken advantage of, and the wisdom to know when someone is deserving of my time.

  

Discussing Divorce with 5 Year Olds!

We waited quite a while to tell our children we were getting divorced.  They were less than happy.  The comments over the next few days were anything from "Yippee, now we get two birthdays" to "We should have just built our log cabin so when mom and dad decided stuff like this we could run away."  Although it broke my heart to hear them say things like this, I knew I couldn't live in the situation anymore, and that in the long run it would be better for everyone. So I picked up one day, rented a townhouse near my mother, 2 hours away from the town we had built our life in, and moved.  The kids adjusted quickly, they loved the neighborhood, and I was loving that no one knew me here, and that we may actually have a chance at a fresh start and "happiness!"  A few weeks after the move my niece came over to play, the conversation quickly went back to divorce, because she still wasn't sure why her best friend Dalyn had moved so far away.

Cali:  Dalyn why are you living in Salt Lake
Dalyn:  Ummm because my mom and dad are getting..... MOM what is the word
Me: Divorced
Dalyn: Yeah, my mom and dad are getting divorced, because they fight too much now
Cali:  Aunt Heather, is that why you have such a little bed... (awkward silence) because you don't have                  anyone to sleep with
Me: Yep, aunt Heather doesn't have anyone to sleep with

The conversation went on much longer then this, it was quite hilarious.  Our next fun conversation was with the nice man at the park.  The older boys were swinging and started talking to the guy on the park bench.

Avery:  We just moved here because my mom and dad are divorced
Guy:  Well that's good, do you like it here
Avery: Yeah, its nice, but our other house had like 20 rooms, this house doesn't have very many
Me:  Haha, kids come up with the funniest things don't they

This is as much of a learning game for me as it is for them.  Each day we are taking another step; some days forward, and some days back.  I have never felt so peaceful and inspired.  Life is such a beautiful thing, and you can start over at any point.  The choices we make don't have to define the life we live, or the person we become.  Follow your heart, don't let anything hold you back!